Dear Miss Velvet – “I am a cis-het woman in a relationship with a man for about a year. Our sex life has never been ideal, but of late, it has been pretty much nonexistent. A friend of mine recently happened upon my partner’s secret account on Fet. When I asked about it, he told me he is entitled to his secrets and refuses to discuss or even acknowledge it, even as he has deleted the account and presumably signed up for a new one. I feel like if he would talk to me about it, it could improve our relationship, both emotionally and sexually. I’m wondering if the interests listed in his account would explain why he seems to have no interest in touching me as well as what else he might be hiding. I’m wondering if I am actually the kind of woman he wants to be with. What do I do?” – Sincerely, Hurting in Hurst
Dear Hurting in Hurst,
There is a difference between privacy and secrets. We are all entitled to privacy in our relationships, but secrets are harmful. They affect the relationship without one party understanding, and they rob the unwitting party of informed consent to be in the relationship. Of particular interest in your case is that this is not actually a secret anymore, since you know about it, but he still refuses to acknowledge or discuss it. You say your sex life is suffering and you question his attraction to you, but he refuses to have the discussion to either ease your mind or confirm your suspicions. Allowing your partner to remain in pain when you have the key to soothe them is selfish and unloving.
Perhaps more serious is the erosion of trust you have in your partner. Without trust, your relationship is no longer a solid source of support through which you grow and flourish, but instead becomes a source of doubt, suspicion, fear, anxiety, and even depression. Intimacy suffers and coping behaviors – be they distancing, controlling, or bad habits – can be harmful to both you and the relationship.
If he had written to me, I would encourage him to have a frank conversation with you; his honesty would help to begin to repair that trust. For you, I would recommend you approach him again with a clear intent to understand what’s going on with him rather than with an accusatory tone. If he still maintains his tight-lipped stance, perhaps instead of wondering if you are the partner he wants, it is time to start asking yourself if he is the partner you want.
